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The Secret Diaries of The Lost Boys by Sarah

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David’s Diary


Am sulking. Been to visit Max. Still no sign of “The Sound of Music”. Have had it on order for ages.

Bored. Have insulted Star several times, but is no fun anymore. Wonder if she would let me electrocute her.

Will have to come up with reason why.


Star did let me electrocute her. Has had terrible effect on hair. Hair is so large that cave is in permanent shadow no matter where she stands.

Have asked Marko to give her advice on de-frizzing.


Hate Star’s hair. Is simply enormous. Have told her so. Love being evil.

Finally have reason to break up with Star. Gave her stoic seven year old to soften blow. Star now baffled. As is everyone else. Do not know what possessed me. Hate giving gifts.

Must go, Star’s hair has caught fire on one of the many candles. Must go and do famous evil chuckle.


Star sulking in one side of cave. Marko has told her to use mousse instead of hairspray to tame dead animal on head so that she is not so flammable, but she is in a mood and doesn’t want to listen to him. She accused him of dying his hair.

Marko sulking on other side of cave, keeps muttering “I was only trying to help” and “I am a natural blonde” in hurt tones.

Have told them I will sacrifice the next person to mention hair care products to Beelzebub just for sake of it.

Paul and Dwayne have volunteered to be sacrificed.

Atmosphere in cave unbearable.

Finally went out, visited Max’s video store. They still don’t have “The Sound of Music”. Heathens.

Boys rather taken by Maria behind counter. Have told them firmly no. She also has curly hair.


Star has stopped pouting. Has found a guy with same hair as her. Suggested he join the gang. Star, obviously still huffy, suggested we initiate a redhead for variety. Paul quickly agreed and suggested Cyndi Lauper.

Sent him out of cave to ponder his actions.

Will be allowed back in when he remembers that he’s evil, not the devil himself. Cyndi Lauper not an option as is quite obviously already a minion of the anti-christ.

Paul pointed out that it’s day. Have let him off this once.


Challenged Michael to race over Star. Considered letting him win just to get rid of her, but Boss nixed that plan. On plus side, coat v. flappy when racing. Felt v. manly and dangerous.


Michael a half-vamp. Think Star is sleeping with him. Hope she doesn’t get pregnant, child’s hair alone would weight 9lbs.

Boss pleased. Boss also humming daft love songs. Worried about boss.

Asked when copy of “The Sound of Music” would be in, was told it was on order. 6-8 weeks.

Come to think of it, convinced he told me that a couple of months ago.

Is no other alternative. Must go to rival video store.


Went to rival store. “The Sound of Music” was rented that day.


Told girl behind the counter I will kill everyone in that shop if it is not back tomorrow by 6pm. She told me that they don’t take their returns policy that seriously. Told her that she should. It’s the principal of the thing.

Considered turning her, she has straight hair. Will do if she does not have “The Sound of Music” tomorrow.

Went back to cave and insulted Star. Star very huffy and insulted me back.

Will have to kill her. Can neither deal with hair or attitude.

In other news, stoic seven year old may have spoken. Marko convinced he spoke, Paul equally convinced it was a sneeze. Star too huffy to comment. Dwayne refuses to take sides.

Come to think of it, he’s not much of a talker either.


Marko dead. Have his remains all over my boots. Am deeply pissed off. Will kill Star – these are designer.


Killed by antlers.


This rather ruins my plans of watching “The Sound of Music” tonight. (Rival store came through! Take that boss!)

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