Date: 23 Feb 2009 12:15 pm Title: Chapter 1 Goodbey Sunlight
Hey loveee.im trying to get onto this and yeah my only pet peeves are 6 year olds and 7 years don't act/think like that.I know workk with them....and I just think glass is like tooooo perfect.give the girl a pimple or something.lol.=P
Other then that rock on sister friend keep doing your thing.
Ps for the backwards thing just read the stuff backwards.works everytime for me.
Date: 21 Feb 2009 4:41 am Title: Tallon Meet The Fallen
As for the bios at the beginning of chapters 1, 4, and 5: ditch them. In writing you don’t tell the readers all this information. You show this. Through your characters eyes and pick out what is important for the readers to find out about these characters. Think to yourself: do we really need to know their bra sizes and waist size? Is that important to know? Writing is all about showing, not telling. You say ‘Fang’ is a peace-maker? Then show this. For example: having the other two characters arguing and her butting in and ending the argument, trying to sort the quarrel out. Do you see what I mean?
I would also recommend scrapping the little author notes: (Burning is like you have DMX in you system at the moment. Never try it. The affects are you can't feel a thing during , and a long time after it's done. Ya, you feel human touch afterwards, but you can't feel anything else.)
This just interrupts the story. If you want to add in little notes, use the author chapter notes for that.
Finally, there is checking your chapter. There are a lot of typos in this. Have you got a beta? There should be someone out there who is willing to help you. And then there is also spell-check that will tell you how to spell correctly.
Date: 21 Feb 2009 4:40 am Title: Tallon Meet The Fallen
Okay, I'll have to stop here because I am sooo confused as to what's going on and where this plot is heading.
Jumping from different POVs is quite off-putting. If you want to work with multiple narrators because it is easier for you then it might be best having one POV per chapter. So, for example, Glass: chapter one, Fang chapter two - you see what I mean?
It might be best to take some time to think about where you want this story to go and how you are going to move the plot forward. Do you have a beginning, middle, and an end? I think this story needs a structure just so it doesn't look like you are contradicting what you said in your summary, which so far you do seem to be doing. The story does not quite match what you have told us what is going to happen. Once you have a structure of what is going to happen, writing the story will be so much easier and the story will flow.
Now onto characterisation. I still can't decide on whether I like the characters or not. Their appearances seem quite unrealistic and there doesn’t seem to be much to them. They’re not very complex so work on your characters a little. Make them interesting to the reader and people we care about.
Date: 17 Feb 2009 1:53 am Title: Cries of Wings
You updated yay! I really want to see more development in the story soon :)
Date: 21 Jan 2009 6:07 am Title: Chapter 2 Going Back with a Dying Heart
I'm undecided with what to make of the story so far with so little happening but I'll keep reading. I'm guessing this is your character's background before the main plot?
Try expanding your chapters rather than typing a few short paragraphs for each post. Maybe work on your character a little by showing us some flaws she has. Right now she seems too perfect in appearance and too smart for her age. It's hard to image a child this young being extremely beautiful and intelligent. It's a bit unrealistic.
But keep going. You'll improve as you continue to write. xx
Author's Response: I know she's to perfect, but theres a reason and her flaws will come out soon. As soon as she's fallen asleep so that I can write them up.
Date: 16 Jan 2009 6:18 pm Title: Chapter 1 Goodbey Sunlight
Congrats on your 1st story. It takes lots of guts to write and post.
You mentioned your principal character might still be in love with Dwayne. Hmm..not hard to imagine why! Hooray to Dwayne fans! (Die-hard Dwaynie myself)
Okay, now for my questions. Is 'Glass' a child in 1967, or is she turned then? I'm not very clear here. My reasons for asking are these.
1. Whether 1967 or earlier, the clothing you described her wearing is not what a child back then would wear..even a rebellious one. A small child would have worn dresses to an orphanage school. Likely, she would have worn Mary Jane (polished black T-strap) shoes, or another style of shoes popular then called 'Buster Browns'. AC/DC didn't even come out untl the late 70's, and girls were not allowed to wear jeans to school until the 70's, either.(I was a grade schooler in the 70's...sometimes, in some schools I went to, we were told we couldn't wear jeans!)
Secondly, a small child would be studying basic classes like reading, math, cursive handwriting, social studies, etc. The classes you mentioned wouldn't be offered until high school if she was lucky.
Next little nitpick. You may be cognizently aware of how tall (or not tall) you are, but a six year old wouldn't. She would just see that she is 'the shortest girl in her class'. It may bother her then, and it may continue to bother her throughout her life. But knowing her exact measurements from day to day isn't something she's likely to be aware of at that age.
Though you may choose to use different techniques for your stories, I try not to paint an exact picture of my characters. I use 'vague descriptions'. Yes, I will say if I want so and so to be 'tall, with a lean build and hazel eyes'. I can't think of an exact recipe from one of my stories, but I can think of someone else's I recently read...I won't say which story or who's it was. But I can say that the author states that the character...resembles a certain one of the boys in coloring and build...(we get the picture)...then, later, time progresses in the story. The author captures another shot of the character by mentioning how the character has styled her hair to look like that of a popular actresses' style that was popular during that time. I got a perfect idea of the character's look, without needing it laid out so vividly. The reason I point this out is because people tend to visualize characters their own way, regardless of what you put on paper. Heck, I even see my own characters differently from time to time. If a description I started out with doesn't stick, I change it. Of course, you're free to write as you see fit. It always helps to outline your characters appearances and other traits for your own reference.
So, those are my lil' nitpicks and insights. I thnk you have a good recipe here. Stir it up. I'd like to see where you go with Glass/Dwayne. I'm always up for good Dwayne stories! There aren't enough! And I have a soft spot for Paulie, too...he was my 'first love' when I was younger. :-) Good luck...can't wait for more!
Author's Response: THANK-YOU PYTHON!!! Actually ,when I first posted ,this my heart frickin leaped out of my chest from fear that no one would like it. So, thankyou!!! About the style, I'm warping this out cause the site doesn't like when we use real people, so ACDC is in the house!! The reason why she's in jeans and army pan't is because their hand my downs. Yep She burned her mary-janes and dress when they gave it to her. And when I started to put in that outfit she kicked me in the HEAD GODDAMMIT!! Blame Glass, she has a life of her own. For the whole studies part, she went to the local and community college library for that stuff. I cant give out any more without giving away the story, SORRY. I'm also just really bad at anything but first person. I'm thinking of getting a beta for that, but I will give third and second a try. So thanks Python.
Date: 10 Jan 2009 2:45 pm Title: Chapter 1 Goodbey Sunlight
Date: 10 Jan 2009 3:49 am Title: Chapter 1 Goodbey Sunlight
Hmm... I would advise not using that fact file at the beginning in your story. You don't need to give readers that information. You use the story to show that. Writing stories means you have show the readers things rather than tell. I wouldn't recommend multiple narrators in the same chapter because that can become confusing. If you want to show the view point of all your characters you could maybe write in third person. For many characters an omniscient narration can be helpful.
There's a few mistakes in spelling. One of them is "their". When you use their, it's normally used when you are talking about belongings for more than one people. Like: Their mother or their books. When talking about a place or something along those lines, it should be "there".
Another spelling mistake you made was in this sentence: I have to ware these button up shirts. "Ware" is spelt as "wear".
I was just wondering about the character you stated in your summary: Anna Valentino? I'm pretty sure that character is from another author's series. I dunno if you've been given permission to use that or whether you're basing this off the series Anna is in with that author's permission. I'm just wondering; not snapping. I wouldn't want you to get into trouble for using another author's character without their permission =)
Please don't see this as a flame. Just trying to offer you some contructive criticism. xx
Author's Response: Thank-you very much for that, and I guess I didn't look at the character list to make sure I got 'em all.My bad dudes..and dudetts. Also about the third person, to put it simply, I SUCK at it. Can't do it, tried it , shoe didn't fit. But later when , um, let's gall her lil' missy cause I don't wanna give out her name yet, I'll start trying that out again. If not I'm will find a beta that can do it for me if she/he agrees with my vision of where this is going.