Date: 14 Jan 2005 8:37 pm Title: Chapter 8
This is a great story, with a ton of good points. They are the following, in no order:
Good spelling, grammar, etc.
Her inner voice.
The humour- it cuts through a lot of the problem this story has.
The descriptions are, at times, excellent. And the way they trap her is believable. Their sly- let's play nice behavour- is right on the money.
And then you ruin it with song lyrics! And "My loves". And out of character behaviour.
I almost didn't read ths story because at the start, David seems so OOC. I just don't think he'd be as nice as he seems to be to Star- in fact, the impression I got from the movies is that they don't even HAVE a relationship. Now, that's probably my bias, but to me, Star seems like a sister to him. One that he doesn't care about very much. I just can't imagine him being interested in her problems, even if it's a fake out to trap her.
At the start, he is Mr Nice Guy from Nice town, and though I appreciate how difficult it is to write David, I think this story would greatly benefit from toning him down a little.
One more thing- and this a pet peeve of mine, so if you want to change it, that's fine- but in the movie, they never refer to themselves as the Lost Boys. This isn't their cool gang name.
I hope none of this concrit disheartens you. You're a good writer, and if you have any questions, you know where to find me.
Good luck, bub.
Author's Response: Viper, thank you very much for your review. It's always nice to have new input.
While you see David and Star as a brother/sister couple, I see Star as a basically unwanted addition to the pack, brought on by Max's orders - not that Max might have chosen Star, simply that he gave orders for the pack to expand, a real big family (which is why he wants Lucy). That is why, in my humble opinion, David bothered to charm her so much. I never for one moment actually thought David is that nice.
Again, thank you for your input about the name "The Lost Boys", I am actually well aware of that (this is actually my website we're on, so I have knowledge *grin*). I simply put it in because it fitted in with the coversation they were having. David makes it seem easy for Star to join them, and that all her pain will stop - hence a whimsical conversation.
As for your input about toning David's behaviour down, I respectfully decline. While you have your feelings about what David might or might not have done outside of the timeframe of the movie, I do too. I respect your point of view and I ask that you respect mine, as there is no way of knowing which of us is right and wrong, and with that in mind, I always write my own stories. I don't cater to other people's requests (unless I'm doing a challenge fic), as it was the story I first thought of that inspired me to write, not the thought of 'oh, I'll write a chapter and see what people want from me'.
Again, thank you for your input.
(PS: When do we get to read your stories?)
Date: 05 Dec 2004 1:41 pm Title: Chapter 1
On the old site i read the story, how come there is only part 1 on this site??! Otherwise this is a really good story!!
Date: 01 Dec 2004 8:54 pm Title: Chapter 1
I love this story, I hope it continues at some point. What a wonderful author you are